Love

Truly loving, for me, and I venture to say for all people, is the hardest discipline there is. To put others before oneself is a concept that we in America do not understand. Our lives are focused on our routines, schedules, needs, trials, hurts, successes etc... When we do end up loving on another it is for our own gain with motives to get something in return. We're afraid to truly love, because that kind of love will often produce hurt. People are imperfect, they will fail us in one way or another, and the people we're the closest to are often the ones who hurt us the deepest. We live in our lives of selfishness and fear and then wonder why we are so unsatisfied. Our world says that we'll be happy if we just look out for number one, but ironically that only leaves us empty and wanting. Our purpose is to love. It will require all of who we are to do so; it will hurt and heal all at the same time. Ultimately though, when we start to unconditionally love imperfect people, we get a taste of the kind of love Christ has for us when we are not, and never will be, worthy to receive His love. We can hide our hearts, withhold our love, and only think about ourselves, but we will miss it. We need to put our hearts on the line, we need to love as Christ has loved...we will get broken, yes, but we will be healed and restored; weaker, yet stronger in Christ. We will find our fulfillment, our joy, and our purpose in our love for God and others. We've been taught to let no one penetrate our hearts so that we will never be "weakened" by a broken heart, but C.S. Lewis put it so clearly when he wrote the following about the heart: "If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

It's been awhile...

"Just because it's been awhile, doesn't mean that it's the end." I think it's funny how with everything people take on or start up, it more often than not comes back to this point. The point where all the passion, good ideas, and great plans you once had in starting or taking on something get put on the back burner and move way down on your list of importance. That's what has happened here; I envisioned this to be a good journal opportunity for me, but like most things it just sort of faded. The worst time when this happens, and anyone who has been on a mission trip or to a summer church camp can back me up, is the two weeks after one or both of those events. Living for God finally becomes the focus of your life. You have gotten outside of yourself and have ideas of how things should work from that point on in your interactions and life choices...but then the "high" dies. The routine of life beats down on you until you cave; you give in because it's just too hard to stand out that much in a world so set on having everyone fit in and be accepted. Once again we join in the never-ending saga of doing all that it takes to be "one of the gang"...even if it means putting our newly found passion, ideas, and ultimately God on the back burner. We think that all we have going on is more important than spending time with our one and only true reason for living. Sad...but true. We're getting ready for our annual Mexico Missions trip with the high school group. I am so excited to get to see that change and long awaited reuinion happen between our students and our Savior...but I'm also trying to figure out if there is some way to help make it so it's not just a high that goes away in a couple weeks. I know that the trip, and what is done in the hearts of all who come, is all God's doing and it is He alone who can put the determination in hearts to resolve to live differently from then on. I just pray that I am willing to do whatever the Lord wants of me on this trip; that I will be used to my fullest and be the witness that I already know Christ has and is calling me to me to be. So I put my trust in Him, and know that He "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work withing us, to Him be the glory in the Church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever, Amen!"

There Is Something To Be Said

There is something to be said for a desire to know; to know God, to know His purpose, to know love, to know yourself. Will we ever fully know? Will there ever be a true understanding of the things most powerful in this world; those very things whose power we have undermined the most? I find that when things get too hard to figure out, when I can't grasp or control the things that tend to have the greatest impact on my life, I down play them. I put God in a box, I follow the model of life set by the world, I fore go love, and I define myself by the most superficial facts that don't actually depict who I am as a person.

I want so badly to step out of this mold. I want to live a life dependent on God. I want to not know what my life will bring but know that my purpose awaits me daily and that for that day, that is all I need to know. I want to love more deeply and passionately than anyone has known; "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." And to know oneself. This I hope never to fully accomplish. I hope to always be changing and always growing; to have to get to know myself over again with each day I live because I simply can't stay the same person when God teaches me more. -

This kind of life will most certainly break the mold. It will be foolish to those who do not choose to follow Christ. Yet, sadly it will also be foolish to many of those who do. Have we become so numb to our routine and comfortable lifestyles that we have forgotten that living for Christ requires sacrifice; that it requires uncertainty, lack of control, and, yes, sometimes pain? Have we forgotten that this is not the life God has for us; that we are not living for this world, but the next? I am scared of forgetting. I'm scared that I will take the easy way out because it seems the most "logical". I am scared that I will miss knowing God; that I will miss His purpose, and that I will miss love. I don't want to miss it. I don't want to miss any of it. This life is so good at pulling at us from all directions. It says we have to get a degree, have nice things and lots of them, and it says that without money or the perfect body we will never be happy. Life wants to tell you you're foolish and that what you feel in your heart is not from God; that God wouldn't ask for crazy things, because asking for the life of His own Son is totally different than asking you to take time off school, go to another country, give more than your budget says you can, or to go without health insurance...right? He would never request such crazy things from His children...right?
When God calls, I don't want to put Him on the back burner because His call doesn't fit into my plans, or because it requires more than we Americans are used to giving up. There is something to be said for a desire to know - to know God, to know His purpose, to really know love, and to know yourself - and that is this, persevere, "do not be foolish [(in God's eyes)] but understand what the Lord's will is," "fix [your] eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal," "fight the good fight of faith," and finally, "press on toward the goal to win the prize which God has called [you] heavenward in Christ Jesus."

"If I Perish, I Perish"

Life is a strange thing. To think, we are here for an average of 75 years (give or take 20 - ish), to accomplish....what? The question so many of us have, Christian and non-Christian alike. Why am I here? What is the purpose of this life? Could it really be to simply achieve the American dream of being wealthy, successful, and retiring early only to find that there is not a whole to do? Is that really going to satisfy anyone? There must be more than this...
I am going to find that purpose for my life. One thing I know, I was created to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine, and that is what I choose. I am taking a term off from college...not because school is too hard or too boring, but because my heart is being tugged on so hard. I have to listen to where God is calling me, and while I don't clearly know where that is, I do know it's not in school for the time being. The calling the Lord places on our lives rarely makes sense to us in the moment...this calling goes against everything I know and everything the world deems as good and wise. But God uses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise. Like a young queen once did for her people...coming into the kings presence without being called (which means death unless the king has favor on her) to plead with him for her life and the life of her people. God had a calling for her. She could choose to ignore it, choose to let God use someone else to accomplish His plan, but He called her and she answered. She simply said Ok Lord and "if I perish, I perish." Granted, my life is not on the line the same way hers was, but nonetheless, God is calling and it is up to me to answer or not. So here I stand, weak, with my mind questioning, and my heart being tugged. I choose now to fall to my knees, weak, broken, scared, and so dependent on Him...simply to say "Yes Lord, and 'if I perish, I perish.'"

The Start of Something Great

This is my (Emily's) blog page. This page, although available to many, will mainly be for me to get out my thoughts and feelings. I am a Christian so this is your fair warning that my blogs will contain my faith, opinions, and bible verses. I don't plan to divulge specifics so my blogs may be hard to follow at times. I just wanted to inform you as to what this page is about...hopefully from the things I am learning and struggling with, you can gain something as well. All in all, this is the start of something great...it could be a great flop or a great success, only time will tell :)